Dads to Be: Dealing with Concerns and Fears

Becoming a father for the first time is, of course, a big deal. A new life is something to be cherished and treasured and yet at the same time, it’s quite a significant change. There’s someone new coming into your life that you will be responsible for; its your job to make sure your child grows up with a solid roof over his/her head, that there’s enough love to go around, that everything is as it should be.

Fatherhood is definitely a life changing event. Many new fathers experience a rollercoaster ride of emotions-it’s not just expectant mothers who are fraught with emotional highs and lows. There’s the excitement of being dad, mixed with fear of not being a good enough parent, along with dread about the changes that will have to be made.

Being a brand new dad means that changes are in store; life as you knew it is over.

Obviously, this brings up some tensions coupled with a good deal of anxiety and apprehension. When a huge, life changing event such as becoming a new dad is at hand, some people tend to panic, others become distraught and frustrated. But the good news is that these reactions are normal. It’s a very natural reaction.

It can be a difficult time in fact, but confronting the common fears that new dads and dads to be are facing can be quite helpful.

Some widespread fears that tend to plague new fathers and fathers to be include, money, health and life changes.

One major issue revolves around the topic of money. Most people aren’t wealthy and having another mouth to feed in the household does cost some serious dough. Expect to pull those purse strings so to speak. Saving is a necessity. On average, new parents probably will put down some $10,000 on their child. Medical expenses, new furniture, baby food, diapers, clothes, toys, and the list goes on and on.

While it’s not precisely easy to rein in expenses when it comes to the necessities, concessions can be made. Costs can be controlled. Whereas previously, you may have spent more money going out to the movies, or to the pub or to the clubs, those sorts of expenses will probably have to be curtailed. Giving up some things in order to gain others is definitely a huge part of being a father and a parent. Budgeting becomes extremely important. A child, of course, can live without having the best and newest toys. Keep in mind that your most important offering is love.

Another big concern that often comes up has to do with health issues. Many parents, both mothers and fathers to be, are worried about what could go wrong. What would happen if their child’s health is at risk in some way? The good news is that there are solid statistics to reassure even the most nervous of soon to be parents-fully 96-97% of all children are born without any health issues at all. The key is to focus on staying positive and keeping a glass half full attitude. Don’t worry.

Of course, another thing many new dads and dads to be get nervous about is whether or not they will be good dads. It’s a natural concern. But the very fact that you are concerned about being a good father just goes to show that you will be. The simple fact that you care is the first step to becoming a great dad.

Love is what matters. All good fathers simply need to give a whole lot of love.

Damian Papworth is a loving dad and partner. He went so far as to take his spouse shopping recently, she was looking for women’s walking shoes. He found this women’s shoes website very helpful.

The Accidental Expectant Father

The day I found out we were expecting our first child was one of the most special memories I have. It was an evening of blissful togetherness, it generated feelings of joint destiny, wonder and just a little bit of fear. One little test had changed our lives forever, here is how it happened.

We don’t live close to family, they are all at least a short flight away. This has is advantages and disadvantages. One of the definite pros though is we have a constant stream of visitors coming and living with us for a week or so. Its really nice.

It was January 2008 that we started to suspect that we were pregnant. We actually had my parents staying with us at the time, so we didn’t purchase a pregnancy test until after they had departed.

Doing the test was an experience in itself. My wife took it into the bathroom, followed the instructions and lost all confidence, fleeing the room. She insisted I go and check the results, she no longer had the courage.

So I wandered into the bathroom to discover the telltale additional lines, our first baby was on the way. I headed back into the living room with a huge grin on my face and was met by a barrage of demands. Demands that I tell her immediately and to stop holding out on her. So I sat down beside her and softly said “sweetheart, we are going to have a baby”.

At this moment she point blank accused me of lying, telling me she didn’t believe a word I said and ran into the bathroom to see for herself. It was pretty funny! This was a great introduction to our first pregnancy as those initial magical moments can only be described by the word “roller-coaster”. Which is exactly what the next 8 months or so turned out to be.

The rest of this evening was nothing short of blissful. The news, though unexpected and unplanned, brought us together as a couple in a way I never would have thought possible. The intimacy of this special news was something only we shared. The way we shared this revelation strengthened our relationship massively. All of a sudden we were a partnership that nothing could cast asunder.

I’m glad our first evening was so special. Pretty quickly I realized out that I needed to work to protect these special moments as they popped up. As we started telling our family and friends, I realized that the world is packed with well meaning people, who want to make these moments their own. Further, as I was only the father, I seemed to be expendable in their eyes.

For example, one of my partner’s friends went as far as to speak to my her sister, independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room. My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this. The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but my wife and I should be making decisions about who needed to be in the delivery room. The simple fact was, we wanted no-one there, the thought of having someone else in the delivery room with us was intrusive to the extreme.

We also had people telling us, in their “wisdom and experience”, that the advice we were receiving from our doctor was wrong and we should listen to them instead. Naturally, as the father to be, I was excluded from all these conversations. Apparently I wasn’t needed in the decision making process.

The pregnancy of your first child really is a roller-coaster ride. You have such immense highs, indescribable moments you share with your partner. Moments you can hardly understand yet will never forget. For the first time you are bringing a new life into the world.

These can really be tempered though by the pressures other people put on you. You may feel like you are constantly defending yourself from expectations and opinions that you just shouldn’t have to deal with. It can be frustrating, it can cause issues between you and your partner at the very time you should be working together.

In talking to many other new fathers in my circle of friends, it seems as men, this is an issues we all have to face. The “well meaning woman” pops up everywhere, typically is the wife’s best friend, or mother, sometimes it can be your own mother. Its always someone who has already had children though, and someone who “knows better”.

Is there a well meaning woman causing issues in you family at the moment? The one thing I found when it happened to me was it was time for me to grow up. For the first time, I had to stand tall and protect my family. When these types of situation arise, there are two things you need to protect your family from.

Firstly, you need to protect your right to trust the medical information your health professionals are giving you. You need to make people aware that within your family, opinions on medical matters are off limits to them.

Secondly, ensure they do not interfere with your and your wife’s instincts. This pregnancy is your family’s, no-one else’s. Every pregnancy is different. You need your instincts to make it the best pregnancy for you and your partner, no-one else’s is appropriate or relevant. Anyone else’s could be damaging to you, your spouse and your unborn child.

Remember, as an expectant father, people will continually try and make you feel out of the loop. They will continually leave you second guessing yourself. Trust your instincts, insulate your family from the inappropriate interferences of others and make the decisions which are right for your circumstances.

Damian Papworth as a new dad, discusses some of the challenges he had to cope with recently, when he was an expectant father for the first time.

A Baby On The Way – The Unexpected Surprise

The day I found out we were expecting our first child was one of the most special memories I have. It was an evening of blissful togetherness, it generated feelings of joint destiny, wonder and just a little bit of fear. One little test had changed our lives forever, here is how it happened.

We live on Australia’s Gold Coast. Moving here was a decision we made together, moving away from our families early 2007 in favor for a beach lifestyle. As such, we often have our families visit us for weekends or weeks at a time, staying in our spare room. It really is one of the joys of living at a tourist destination.

At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week. It was during this week we started to think we may have a little, unplanned bundle of joy on the way. For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got that test.

So Mum and Dad left, we bought a pregnancy test, my wife went into the bathroom. She followed all the instructions and then, amusingly, fled the scene. All courage had departed, she couldn’t look at the results. I found her in the lounge with her head buried under a pillow.

So I wandered into the bathroom to discover the telltale additional lines, our first baby was on the way. I headed back into the living room with a huge grin on my face and was met by a barrage of demands. Demands that I tell her immediately and to stop holding out on her. So I sat down beside her and softly said “sweetheart, we are going to have a baby”.

This sparked a bevy of activity. She leaped off the couch and bounded into the bathroom to see for herself. When I arrived behind her, she was jumping up and down in excitement, then settled into a moment of stillness where we just stared at each other tenderly. It really was a roller-coaster, fear, excitement, love, joy, responsibility all rolled up into less than 10 minutes, what an introduction into pregnancy.

The rest of the night was simply wonderful. We spent at least an hour in the bathroom looking at the little stick, staring at each other in amazement, murmuring quietly “we are going to be parents”, “you are going to be a mum”, “you are going to be a dad” and the like. Despite the tumultuous beginning, it turned into an evening of softness, joy and intimacy. An experience that never would have been the same if it was shared with others. An experience in which we grew together as a couple, as a family.

Pregnancy, particularly your first, is packed with precious moments like this. These moments can not only be precious though, but massively positive for your relationship with your partner. They have the power to bring you closer together, to bind you in joint purpose. Unfortunately though, I found as the expectant father, sometimes you need to fight to protect those moments for yourself and your partner. There are so many people out there who lose sight of family boundaries during a pregnancy and try to interfere, to the extent that they will marginalize you as far as they can out of the process.

For example, one of my partner’s friends went as far as to speak to my her sister, independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room. My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this. The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but my wife and I should be making decisions about who needed to be in the delivery room. The simple fact was, we wanted no-one there, the thought of having someone else in the delivery room with us was intrusive to the extreme.

We also had people telling us, in their “wisdom and experience”, that the advice we were receiving from our doctor was wrong and we should listen to them instead. Naturally, as the father to be, I was excluded from all these conversations. Apparently I wasn’t needed in the decision making process.

This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a roller-coaster. The highs you experience really are tremendous, all those first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.

But they often are tempered by the “well meaning woman”, who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments. This for me was especially hard to fathom given she is was one of the people we wanted to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushed once too often)

I’ve talked to many fathers since these days, fathers from three different generations. The one thing that became absolutely clear to me was the well meaning woman is not new. She has existed forever, always lurking behind some skirt ready to interfere in someone else’s family. She could be a best friend, she could be you mother in law, she could even be your Mum. No matter whose face she wears, she probably already exists in your life.

Is there a well meaning woman causing issues in you family at the moment? The one thing I found when it happened to me was it was time for me to grow up. For the first time, I had to stand tall and protect my family. When these types of situation arise, there are two things you need to protect your family from.

Firstly, make sure these people do not interfere with your relationship with your doctor. Find a way to make them understand all medical opinions are off limits to them.

Secondly we found that we were second guessing the decisions we had mad as a couple because of all the naysayers telling us they’d do it differently. We gradually learned that that probably the most important things a couple can bring to their pregnancy and the birth of their children, are their own instincts. Other mothers’ instincts and ideas were great for their pregnancies and births, but every single one is unique. And there are only two people who know what is best for your unique pregnancy and that is you and your partner. No-one else’s opinion is appropriate. You need to protect your family from other people’s opinions undermining the trust you have in your own instincts and those of your spouse.

As you approach the birth of your first you are likely to bump into the well meaning woman. If you do, this may be small comfort, but you are not the first and will not be the last. Remember to trust your instincts all the time, they will most likely be right. And if it gets beyond the joke, find another father to discuss the issue with. I’m sure you’ll quickly find many who have faced similar challenges without needing to look too far, and get some quality advice on how to deal with it.

Damian Papworth as a new dad, discusses some of the issues he had to deal with recently, when he was an expectant father for the first time.

Having Twins – Is it Really So Hard?

The first time you tell somebody you are having twins, instead of being congratulated you receive comments like : Oh! You will have a lot of work !

Is it so difficult to grow twins ? In the following paragraphs we will discuss that topic.

We cannot say that having twins is easy, specially in the first days. The best thing you can do is to have a routine, writing down everything that each one of the kids did at each time, for example at which time you change diapers to one of them. Organization is fundamental.

The father has a much more important role in the case of twins. With only one child, many fathers often don’t help too much, but in this situation he has to help to feed , bath or change diapers, for example.

But with this two aspects covered, having twins should be a wonderful experience.

Having twins can result in less work than two kids of different age.

First of all, two non twins require two pregnancies and two different periods of time where you sleep few hours.

Also, when they grow up, they will have different interests and activities. Twins will like similar activities, and can share most of the friends. When you go to the doctor, you can take them together to the same doctor at the same time, because the examinations will be the same.

Money is another topic to take into account. To grow up two kids of different ages can result in more money than growing up twins, although it may seem the opposite.

It is undeniable that the first months you will spend more money with twins as you need to buy two items of everything you have to buy. But as time passes, you will be able to save money. For example, you will be celebrating their birthdays the same day at the same place.

Growing twins can be difficult, but is a wonderful experience that you will love. Just being organized and having enough help are the requirements to be able to enjoy it.